How to Positively Contribute to Youths’ Self-Esteem

Mar. 11

We've all seen the movies. Great examples of teachers and adults who've gone above and beyond for the sake of their youth. Usually, based on a true story, these day-to-day heroes find themselves escaping the norm to embark on a daring journey. Each of these films is different, but the quest is still the same: to restore a belief in the minds of their youth — a belief that they're worthy of an optimal future; a belief that they're worthy to be loved; a belief that they're important. These are all linked to positive self-esteem. If you've ever watched movies like The Blind Side or Freedom Writers, you might have thought to yourself, "Can I really spark a similar change in my youth?". Thankfully, the answer is yes! Although we can't teach our youth to feel better about themselves, we do have the ability to foster healthy self-esteem through our daily efforts and interactions. This blog is written for caring teachers and influencers like yourself to help you better understand, detect and combat low self-esteem as it pertains to your youth.

SELF-ESTEEM

When people think of self-esteem, they often confuse it with the term self-confidence. While self-esteem can certainly play a role in your youth's self-confidence, the two are actually quite different. Self-confidence is measured by one's trust in oneself and one’s ability to deal with challenges, solve problems and engage successfully with the world (Burton, 2015). Self-esteem, on the other hand, is measured on a much deeper level. Self-esteem is described as the overall sense of value or worth that people place on themselves. It's important to know that while some youth may express high levels of confidence in some areas, it's still possible for them to be struggling with an overall lack of self-worth. As a speaker, I've had some opportunities to reconnect with teachers who remember me as a youth. Many of them still marvel at how “well” I turned out. Oftentimes, they'll bring up the accounts of an unapproachable young man who used to roam the halls with a giant chip on his shoulder. Some teachers recall an obnoxious student who disrupted their classes. Former peers, on the other hand, paint a picture of a classmate who was tough, bold, and confident. To them, I appeared confident as I disobeyed my teacher or made my way to a fight. What they didn’t know was that my bandana and tough façade masked the real me. Quite frankly; I hated myself. I felt unworthy. No matter how much attention I got, I still couldn't convince myself of my worth. I share my story with students not because it is unique, but to remind them that it is not.

The reason healthy self-esteem is so important is due to the overall impact it has on your youths’ development. "When someone has low self-esteem they tend to avoid situations where they think there’s a risk of failure, embarrassment, or making mistakes. These can involve schoolwork, making friends, and trying new activities, which are all important parts of a healthy teenage life." (Self-Esteem and Teenagers, n.d.). On the contrary, "Teens with positive self-esteem genuinely believe that they're decent, competent and loveable... they readily acknowledge their shortcomings and seem to get by nicely despite them." (Bernstein, 2001, p. 138). In this section, we will take a look at some contributing factors and consequences of low self-esteem.

Some Causes of low self-esteem

While the causes of low self-esteem are subjective and vary from person-to- person, contributing factors to low self-esteem can include:

Negative influences
Unsupportive Parents
Bullying and loneliness
Poor performance
Impractical goals
Trauma and abuse
Depression
Body Image

Consequences of low self-esteem

Low self-esteem can be at the root of many issues in a young person's life. Unchecked, it can result in a number of different consequences. It can:

Increase vulnerability to drug and alcohol abuse

Have a negative impact on academic performance
Create problems while creating and maintaining relationships
Cause one to hold a negative outlook on life
Lead to anxiety, stress, loneliness and depression

Benefits of increased self-esteem

Studies show that young people with healthy self-esteem are more likely to display positive behavioral characteristics such as:

Acting independent and mature
Taking pride in their accomplishments/achievements
Accepting frustration and dealing with it responsibly
Being unafraid to ask for help
Responding well to criticism
Knowing how to exercise discretion
(Self-Esteem and Teenagers, n.d.)

SIGNS AND MASKS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM

I recently read a book entitled How to Keep Your Teenager out of Trouble and What to do if you Can't written by a psychiatrist, Dr. Neil I. Bernstein. In it, he tells a very interesting story about a group of teens he had been working with. One day, Bernstein had asked the group to create their own picture on a blank T-shirt. The objective was to capture their public image on the front of the shirt while drawing something more personal on the back. Bernstein recalls that by the end of the exercise, most of them had drawn a cool-looking teenager on the front and something personal, but relatively unrevealing, on the back. However, one teen who seemed full of confidence and projected the aura of a cool rebel-type drew a picture of a bored, complacent teenager with a cigarette hanging from his mouth, and on the back, to everyone's shock, pictured a young boy crying alone in a corner. The teen went on to explain that this was how he truly felt behind closed doors. His experience was similar to mine. He masked his true feelings. As we set out in this quest to positively impact our youth, it is important that we be able to recognize some of the masks and signs of low self-esteem.
Three disguises of low self-esteem
Since poor self-esteem can hide behind various facades, Bernstein recommends that we be on the lookout for the following disguising attitudes (Bernstein, 2001, pp. 142-144) which I have summarized and categorized into three types of masks.

While struggling with low self-esteem, your youth may hide behind some or each of these “masks”:
The Mask of Indifference
According to Bernstein, young people who make it a point to express how much they don't care about anything usually do so out of a form of protection (Bernstein, 2001, p. 143). For instance, youth who have gone through much hurt or disappointment might learn to cope by gradually detaching themselves from their real feelings and preventing themselves from looking forward to anything good. An example of this might be when students continually struggle with their academics and abandon their efforts insisting that they no longer care. In this instance, apathy has become a mask for a lack of self-confidence and protection against future disappointment.

The Mask of Anger
Some youth, in an attempt to hide their insecurity, may also use a mask of anger. In this case, youth tend to keep others at a distance by displaying an aggressive persona, determined to fight off anyone who might expose and/or prey on their weaknesses...

Here, in my LinkedIn post, I share a picture of me from when I was 16 years-young

On the surface I simply appeared rude, aggressive, and unapproachable. However, this was a part of my mask. Many times it disguised my fear. My mask disguised my anxiety caused by bullying. My masked disguised my damaged self-esteem. My mask disguised my perception that everyone was out to get me. This fear of being hurt made it difficult for me to trust, and because of that, I felt the need to keep most people away.

The Mask of Rebellion
It is not unnatural for youth to break the rules. Many of them, wanting simply to assert their individuality, will act rebellious from time to time. Others might resist conventional norms if they don’t agree with them or think that it is cool to do so. According to Bernstein (Bernstein, 2001), these essentially healthy actions are usually short-lived or ultimately harmless. Sometimes, however, this rebellious behavior can become intense, destructive, and long-lasting. While working with teens, Bernstein found that those who consistently went out of their way to challenge or rebel often did so to cover up deep hurt, such as the pain of rejection, bullying, or feeling inadequate. For instance, some youth who have been the targets of much ridicule at school, instead of suffering the task of acknowledging their pain, may cope by rebelling against the conventions from which they feel rejected.

Signs of low self-esteem
Below is a list of thoughts and behaviors suggestive of poor self-esteem. While observing your youth, be on the lookout to see if any of these signs are a regular occurrence:
Quickly giving up when faced with a challenge
Always assuming the worst possible outcome
Often avoiding new situations and opportunities
Never giving themselves credit even if it is fitting
Often expressing their worthlessness
Having difficulty with making and keeping friends
Allowing others to take advantage of them
Believing their current situations can never change
Often making it a point to express their indifference
Always blaming themselves whenever something goes wrong

HOW TO POSITIVELY CONTRIBUTE TO YOUTH'S SELF-ESTEEM

Teachers and leaders alike tend to have a significant impact on the youth whom they serve. Therefore, our role as influencers should be to leave a positive impact that can help our youth long after we’re gone. Inspired, in part, by some of the ideas of Dr. Ken Shore (Shore, n.d.), the following are things we can do to positively contribute to our youth’s self-esteem.
1. Set high, achievable standards
I can never forget the time I was kicked out of a classroom by one of my teachers. By that time, the act of strutting out of a classroom had become second nature. In my mind, I was a lost cause. Fortunately, my teacher did not agree. As I made my way out into the hallway, my teacher quickly followed me. Clearly upset with my behavior, she told me that I was better than that. She did not want to see me lower myself. I realized that she had deemed me worthy of a higher standard. In the same way, show your youth that they are capable of achieving a higher standard. To avoid feelings of defeat, it is important to hold a standard that is both high and achievable. Let them know you believe in their capabilities.

2. Engage with youth about their interests
Experts suggest that youth can build self-esteem by involving themselves in activities they are interested in. Consider taking the time to talk to youth about their interests. While doing so, suggest some ways that your youth might be able to pursue their interests further. By supporting the interests of your youth, not only will it help them feel valued, but will give them the chance to cultivate new strengths as well.
3. Help them feel useful and important
One consequence of low self-esteem is the tendency to feel useless and unwanted. Help dispel these beliefs by inviting youth to assist you with important tasks. For example, I remember being approached by my principal one year and being asked if I would deliver a speech. Not only would I be alongside the mayor, but I would also be addressing respected adults in the community. Admittedly, there were hundreds of students more qualified for the opportunity, but my principal knew how important the opportunity would be for restoring a sense of belief in myself. The same can be achieved by asking a student to assist with smaller tasks such as delivering supplies to the office or welcoming special guests to the school. As you give them new opportunities, explain to them why you think they would do a good job and thank them for a job well done.

4. Show them proof of their progress
For youth struggling with poor self-esteem, it can be very difficult for them to acknowledge, or even notice, their progress. Another way you can boost their morale is by showing them examples of their growth. “Hi, Chris. I want to show you something. Take a look at your marks from October. Now compare them with your marks this month. That’s huge progress!". Interactions like these can be very helpful in allowing youth to see and appreciate their growth.
5. Praise your youth in a productive way
When commending our youth, it is very important that we do so in a genuine and specific way. Offering vague words of praise can easily be dismissed as phony or insincere. Compliment your youth to show your appreciation of the quality of their work and their behavior. This will not only prove more meaningful to them but will help them identify and replicate those behaviors which led to a positive outcome.

6. Challenge their negative beliefs
A great way to contribute to youth's self-esteem is to challenge their negative beliefs. Let the youth express themselves. Once you have an understanding of their views, have a meaningful and respectful dialogue. For example, your student says that she feels that she has wasted an entire semester, and she feels it would be impossible for her to bounce back. Ask her why she believes that. Oftentimes, our beliefs are heavily influenced by emotions, so asking follow-up questions can trigger a much deeper thought process which hopefully can lead to some better logic.
Another way to provoke some thought would be to reference other people who may have had the same issues and have overcome them. Provide them with solutions and with hope. Replace negativity with positivity.

CONCLUSION

You are an important component in the enhancement of your youths’ well-being and self-esteem. The extraordinary impact of an individual such as you is not only reserved for the movies. You can achieve the extraordinary in ordinary ways. You have the ability to see the best in your youth and to help them see the best in themselves.

References

Bernstein, N. I. (2001). How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What to Do If You Can't (pp. 138, 142-145) New York, NY: Workman.
Burton, N. (2015). Self-confidence versus self-esteem. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201510/self-confidence-versus-self-esteem
Shore, K. (n.d.). The Student with Low Self-Esteem. Education World. Retrieved from https://www.educationworld.com/a_curr/shore/shore059.shtml
Self-esteem and teenagers. (n.d.). ReachOut. Retrieved from https://parents.au.reachout.com/common-concerns/everyday-issues/self-esteem-and-teenagers
Self-Esteem (n.d.). CMHC. Retrieved from from https://cmhc.utexas.edu/selfesteem.html

Aaron Caleb

How to Positively Contribute to Youths’ Self-Esteem

Holistic Education: The What, the Why and of course, the How